Monday joke.

[SeaDee3]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this $h!t but me."







Working people frequently ask

retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for

example, the other day, Liz, my wife and I went into town and visited a

shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a

parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how

about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "*** ho1e".

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Liz called him a "$h!t head". He finished the

second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we

abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with

"OBAMA 2012" stickers.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[Sweet Thang]

Very cute!

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and
take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO,
THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here
I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole
hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't get on the bed. "

[SeaDee3]

Very cute!

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and
take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO,
THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here
I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole
hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't get on the bed. "

Good one.


It is like the old guy who shows up at the local sperm bank and tells the receptionist that he wants to make a contribution. The old fellow is at least 85 years old.
So not to insult the man the lady gives him a jar and tells him to go to room 4 and make his "donation". She informs him that there are Playboy magazines there in case he needs some "encouragement".

He comes back about 2 hours later and the poor guy is really in the dumps. He hands her an empty jar.
He tells the lady "I used my right hand for 1/2 hour then I switched to my left.
I rested for a half hour and then I used both hands". The poor woman didn't know what to say . Then the old man finishes . "After all that I still couldn't get the damn lid off this jar"

[canis]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted
a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're 840 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.29 minutes north latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes
west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "YOU must be a democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

The balloonist answered, "Everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I am still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "YOU must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, then you expect me to solve
your problem. You're in exactly the same situation you were before we met
but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[SeaDee3]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted
a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're 840 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.29 minutes north latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes
west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "YOU must be a democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

The balloonist answered, "Everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I am still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "YOU must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, then you expect me to solve
your problem. You're in exactly the same situation you were before we met
but, somehow, now it's my fault."

...



Dear Friends,
There are only a few months until election day when the people will decide who will be the next President of the United States . The person elected will be the President of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. It's time that we all need to come together, Democrats and Republicans alike, in a bi-partisan effort for America.

If you support Mitt Romney, please drive with your headlights ON during the day as well as night.

If you support Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights OFF at night.

Together, we can make it happen. Thank you!

[SeaDee3]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted
a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're 840 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.29 minutes north latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes
west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "YOU must be a democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

The balloonist answered, "Everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I am still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "YOU must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, then you expect me to solve
your problem. You're in exactly the same situation you were before we met
but, somehow, now it's my fault."

You switched the words. I sent the same joke out to a couple of my Democratic friends with the words Republican & Democrat reversed.

Still funny even if most Democrats have their heads up their arces.

[canis]

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the liberals would just leave it alone, it would change itself.

[Chesapeake Spirit]

Still funny even if most Democrats have their heads up their arces.

So true, but at least they know where their arses are. I would say the same for Republicans, but they would first need someone like Rush to point out the difference between theirs and a hole in the ground.

[Eastside Terp]

A guy is in NYC n a business for a few days and goes into the hotel bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar the next day. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar on his last day in NYC. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you still happy you voted for Obama?"

[Chesapeake Spirit]

A guy is in NYC n a business for a few days and goes into the hotel bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar the next day. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar on his last day in NYC. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you still happy you voted for Obama?"

We could poke fun at our leaders and wannabe leaders all day...

"Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they're not that excited about it. It's kind of like starting to accept that you're going to prom with your sister." –Jay Leno

[SeaDee3]

We could poke fun at our leaders and wannabe leaders all day...

"Republicans are now starting to accept the fact that Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president. But you know, they're not that excited about it. It's kind of like starting to accept that you're going to prom with your sister." –Jay Leno

Republicans and most people who have seen the light accept Romney via the ABO theory.


ANYBODY BUT OBAMA

[tsmonk]

A widowed woman living on her farm needed help and put an add in the paper for a ranch hand. Only two people responded, one was a drunk and the other a gay guy.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, then you're fired."