Post One Of Your Favorite Clean Jokes

[TheResearcher]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
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We'll see about that.

[Mitchum]

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

[canis]

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender pushes it across the bar and walks away.

"Hey barkeep - how much do I owe you for the beer?"

"For you - no charge".

[mockingbird]

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?
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poke-her face

[Mitchum]

Two Blondes are on opposite sides of the river, “How do I get to the other side?” hollered one blonde. “You are on the other side,” the other one hollered back.

[ZhigZhag]

Why don't lesbians diet or wear make-up?

Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face!

[EmDot]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again

[VOSA]

I don't have ADD, it's just that....oh look, a squirrel.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the long face?"

I asked my wife where she wanted to go on vacation. She said someplace she'd never been before. I said "Try the kitchen."

My wife's a great bargain hunter. She'll buy anything marked down. Last week she brought home an escalator.

[MarkP]

Two blonds were out job hunting together in downtown and walked into a new office building. You would think that one of them would have seen the building.

[sage]

A boy fell in the mud!

[smallwoode]

Norman!

[smallwoode]

It is a toss-up between the Orioles, and Norman!

[Eastside Terp]

weak .......

but then again, perdiem never was very funny .......

[Mitchum]

Q: How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

A: He felt his presents.

[EmDot]

How do you get down off an elephant?









































You don't get down off an elephant; you get down off a duck.

[Norman]

I had to read that twice...I need some sleep!

[EmDot]

I had to read that twice...I need some sleep!

At least twice for me too.

[EmDot]

A young man was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”

Bemused, he replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.”

“See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.”



Credit to Reader's Digest

[workerbee]

Wife and I were watching the sun set on Carmel beach
When she suddenly says " at this moment I am the luckiest girl
in the world and and I love you with all m heart". I said "wow
honey, I love you too but I have to ask... Is that you or the wine talking"?
She turned to me and said, "that's me talking to the wine"

[FHS77]

Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

A: Stays up and wonders if there really is a Dog.